Monday, 21 February 2011

appearing emotionally dead...

Please excuse the randomness of this blog, i'm a bit all over the place at the moment

So most people will know me for being/seeing me as a stoic, almost emotionless person on the outside, but my nearest and dearest know I am not anything like that in reality. Anywho i'm not sure what brought on my wanting to write a blog other than being messed up emotionally by the woman I unconditionally love. Anyway bit of background: the aforementioned woman decided that she wasn't sure if she was ready to be in a relationship and went on break with me back in January (yes I know it is sort of a distance ago, but there you go). This really hit me like a brick at the time/the week after and if their hadn't been engineering works on the train yesterday she would have decided whether she was wanting back in with me. I kept my usual stoic stance on the outside, which I have done since, even though inside I feel horrible.

Anyway in between the going on break and a couple of weeks ago she has been put on the waiting list to go into hospital to deal with her eating disorder, which kind of knocks the whole question of us sideways (but she had said if she wasn't in by the time I go up in a couple of weeks then she would still make a decision). We move onto today when she informs me that her parents want her back over the weekends which would affect the plan of action, but as she still has stuff to do it may be a case of it is still able to go ahead. I do understand the parents view, but as usual I want to be selfish (admittedly the selfishness is usually on behalf of my best friends, but this is a rare case of me being for me).

The general vibe and messages I have recieved from her have generally been looking up as far as us getting back together, but due to her mental health issues I have no idea if she wants to get back together with me. I know its not down to me, and its a case of she wouldn't go out with anyone else, so if she decides not to get back with me I can take that as a small crumb of comfort. Anyway I will probably update as and when I know more.